I remember the process of a marriage dying. I want my children to know that it wasnt easy, not that it wasnt easy for me...I think that they know that it wasnt easy for me. I want them to know that it wasnt easy for Bill either...It was a nightmare for the whole family...adults and children alike.
I remember waking up one night late, finding myself alone in bed, this was not uncommon at this point. I got up to see if I was alone in the house, or if Bill was still in the house. I came down the hall...I heard him in the living room...this was a man that had put me through hell in the past months, but as I entered the room, Saw him staring out the window crying...sobbing, for that moment I had compassion. I did not understand what was going on, or why he was choosing what he was choosing, but I could see that it was tearing him up to choose it. I remember crying with him that night...not because of him.
The marriage ended, and I was hurt. I was angry and I had a hard time forgiving...have a hard time forgiving...but that night and that moment we hurt together and I knew he did not want to harm me, he did not want to harm his children, he felt he had no choice. I do not say that he had none...but I would be a liar if I said I didnt know that night that he believed he had none.
I wish that I could have made that pain better...wish I could have errased some of what it did to all of us that terrible hard choice...the failed test. I wish I could say I had no bitter feelings towards him for not taking the other path...but I want Branden, Sean, Ryan and Lauren to know that their dad....he didnt want to hurt anyone...and although they were desperately hurt by his choice...and for that matter by mine in choosing him....they have always been loved and nobody wanted then in the aftermath of that marital death. Love to my children....and my apologies for my part in what they all endured. I want them to know that their dad, that night told me of his plan to harm himself so that he could get out of the trap he was in, and to leave them without them knowing he felt he had to. He had thought out how to financially support them from his grave, that he wanted always to take care of them...that his love came in the dedication he had to their physical needs, and that when that ended...it was not at his hand...he would have supported them forever. I know that. I know that he found out about his AIDS diagnosis days before his accident, and that he ended his relationship with Gene...he allowed him to stay in the house, but told me that his center was his children and Gene did not support him in that. I want Sean to know that he missed that call on your 16th birthday because he was racked with who knows what demons...you were so young, Christian is that age now...when your youngest is an age, you realize how tender that age really is...so sorry Sean if I did not see you as the child you still were...He loved you..I love you.....
I wonder about that accident years ago...wonder if those dark thoughts from years before returned and he saw the solution to the pain he was in and the pain that his choices may cause could all be solved by a "on the job" accident...if that was what happened that fated morning...it was clearly the wrong choice, but also was a bad loving choice. I know when we visited him in the hospital he apologized over and over and over again that he was not able to take care of his children...it haunted him.
I want you to know that the pain of a bad decision hurts all it touches...within and without, and I believe that although you all suffered, and that I suffered, the one that suffered the most was your dad...He lost magical time, firsts and lasts with his children...he lost all that was precious in life...I cant imagine that pain...we had each other and he was alone in a tragic place far from the light.
I want you to know that I am proud of you for moving on strong and wise. I want you to know your ability to be whole and have relationships with him each in your own way makes me so very proud of you...I support you in everything you do that is good...and right. I know forbiveness and love are always right...
Much Love
Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment